Fear Of Missing Adventures

(FOMA?) Also, why I fear I’m a fraud.

Hello, my name is Firestarter, and I have fears. I fear I am a fraud, and I fear I am missing out on adventures because of my life choices.

We’ve all heard of FOMO, the Fear Of Missing Out. The quickening of the pulse when you accidentally leave your cell phone on the charger at home and only realize it when you get to the gym. The little sinking feeling in your stomach when you cruise Instagram on Saturday morning to see all the fun you missed on Friday night when you were too tired from work to go to that party. The twinge of guilt when you know you should be going to sleep but need to scan Facebook/Instagram/CNN headlines in case something insane happened in the 17 minutes since you last checked.

Lately I’ve found myself dealing with a different kind of FOMO. The typical things – forgetting my cell phone, spending a night at home verses a “fun” night out, etc. – don’t rattle me, but I’m also the kind of person who saves up money to get away periodically from cell phone reception. The fear I’ve been battling with this winter is much larger to me: the Fear Of Missing Adventures.

This winter has been very hard for me. We lost our dog Margo to cancer in November, adopted our dog Moka in December, lost our dog Sage to kidney failure in January, and adopted our dog Minnie in February. Throw a couple of temporary foster dogs in the mix, and life was hectic and distracting. I grieved my dogs’ deaths very deeply. There were the holidays – a crazy time for almost everyone. I had a family member suffer an unexpected major health issue. I received an unexpected (and undesired… long story) promotion at work at the beginning of the year, with more work, more stress, more business travel, and no additional pay. Wedding planning kicked into full swing, which can be fun but also stressful when you have to figure out how you are going to pay for it all. We have taken on side jobs (some manual labor for me, extra work shifts for him) to keep from using credit cards. We budget and account for every penny. While I love backpacking in the winter, I didn’t want to travel away from home while Sage was so ill because I didn’t want to risk not being there when she died, and travel is an additional expense that just isn’t in the budget right now.

Put this on top of existing mental illness and Seasonal Affective Disorder, and you’ve got a recipe for a good deal of depression. In addition to medicine and therapy, I normally keep it at bay by getting outside, but in the cold rainy winter, that can be hard to do. With depression, sometimes you just don’t want to go outside, even if you WANT to want to go outside. So, what did I do?

I stayed glued to social media. I have a lot of dear friends that live for the outdoors, whose feeds are full of breathtaking scenery and fun adventure pics. Some were big epic trips, some were fun mid-week mini-adventures. Some were just part of their awesome day job (ski patrol). As I saw all these incredible pictures of healthy active beautiful friends living their best lives, I fell further into depression. Not only was I missing out on outdoor backpacking trips (sick dog, saving money) or fun trail runs (exhausted from my stressful day job when everyone else goes running on Monday nights), I was constantly comparing myself to what I saw. I was constantly comparing myself to the person I think I am supposed to be.

Welcome, Imposter Syndrome.

I felt – and still feel, honestly – like a fraud sometimes. I’m Firestarter. I’m the bad@$$ trailblazer, the solo hiker, the challenger of bears and snakes, the eater of food that I accidentally dropped in the mud but, damnit, I carried those calories in and I’m eating them. I solo backpack, I rock climb, I mountain bike/ski/snow shoe/trail run/hike/kayak. I have gaiters with flames on them and an entire GEAR ROOM.

And, from mid-November 2018 to this very day, I have been on ONE hike. And it was only about 2 miles with my dog Moka at Percy Warner. I haven’t backpacked, or climbed, or been on a bike, or even strolled along a greenway.

It’s easy to get lost in the deluge of internal messages, the ones we tell ourselves about how we aren’t “authentic,” or “living our best life.” About how we are a fraud. How on earth can I claim to love the outdoors if I haven’t pulled myself out of the house in three months? What right do I have to write a blog that provides trail reviews and talks about gear? In what world am I qualified to teach another Backpacking Basics course for Nashville this year?

It’s easy to start that self-doubting spiral. I do love the outdoors. I can write anything on my blog I want. And I can teach a course. But that doesn’t stop the fraudulent feeling, especially when battling depression and anxiety. It’s easy to forget that decisions you make (to get married, to start a family, to strengthen a financial future by working a desk job you may not like very much) aren’t sacrifices. They are choices. No, I won’t be thru-hiking the Te Araroa in October 2019 like I planned. No, I won’t be able to Triple Crown before 40. But those are my choices. I choose other things right now. That’s not an excuse, though, for stopping adventures. Sure, it puts a bit of a hold on long adventures, but I can still take weekend backpacking trips, still hike, still do all the things I love. (Yes, even when I have kids.)

This post isn’t a gear review, or trail review, or full of fun trick and tips. I’m not sure what this qualifies as.

I lead a women’s meetup group in the Nashville area (You Are a Badass Lady!), and one of the key things we do at every meetup is say our fear(s) aloud. Naming and verbalizing fear tends to take away some of its power; for me, at least. So this post is my fear-naming.

Hello, my name is Firestarter, and I have fears. I fear I am a fraud, and I fear I am missing out on adventures because of my life choices.

This is a good place to start.

Pinhoti 2: Redemption… sort of

You think I would learn…

[This is long, so settle in. But at least there’s lots of pictures.]

After my ignominious defeat in July (read about it here), I regrouped and set out this past weekend for the next few sections of the Pinhoti.


PRE (Friday):
On Friday evening I drove Adventuretruck from Nashville to the Bull’s Gap trail head where I left off last time. I reached the trail head around 9:45 p.m. There were a few other cars in the lot, which made me feel better about leaving the truck there for a few days. I locked the cab, crawled into my bed in the back – a trimmed down futon mattress – pulled out my sleeping bag, and dozed off. It was chilly out, but I managed to stay relatively warm in my Enlightened Equipment Enigma quilt. My base weight for gear was 17 pounds – not shabby for winter gear and rain pants included.

Just the basics, ma’am.
Rosie sporting a new harness and some new patches (2000 miler patch from the ATC, ahem)
Bull’s Gap trail head

Day 1 (Saturday):
I set out from the trail head around 7 a.m. expecting the worst. The lack of water, thorns, brambles, 14-mile road walk, and erstwhile issues of my first trek on the Pinhoti were top of mind. I had two liters of water with me from home, because even though it’s fall and there’s supposed to be more water, I am now very suspicious of Alabama. It was bitterly cold for the majority of the day, but the terrain was much easier than I thought it would be. There was no bushwhacking, and there was an abundance of water.

My aim was 18 miles – the entirety of Section 4 – but I made better progress and finally set up camp at ~22.1 miles. Even though it was only 4:30 p.m., sunset this time of year is at 4:45 p.m., and I wanted to set up camp with the light I had left. I hiked in my Patagonia down sweater jacket most of the day, it stayed that cold; camp was no exception. The wind picked up, the temperature dropped, and it was not pleasant. As I started staking my tent, I hit something hard. I tried moving an inch or so, and struck something hard again. I brushed away the top layer of dirt to see how big the rock was, when I saw something curved and gleaming white.

Now, I have recently been listening to an unhealthy amount of the podcast My Favorite Murder, and not only is everyone you know a serial killer, you should never go into the woods, and every hiker always finds a dead body. There was a split second where I simultaneously thought, “Oh, please don’t be a bone,” and also, “PLEASE be a bone because that would be so cool and I would Nancy Drew this mystery.” Folks – IT WAS A BONE.

… Because, technically, a tortoise shell is actually several bones fused together. (See what I did there?) I dug a bit more an unearthed an intact shell, smooth white on the inside and caked with dirt on the outside. It was a bittersweet moment; my detective days ended before they could begin.

Tortoise shell, a.k.a. dream squasher

Dark came swiftly, and the temperatures plummeted to near freezing. The wind was nonstop, so I stayed huddled in my tent. Having learned my lesson a few years ago about skipping hot supper, I steeled myself for cooking. I cheated and did something you should not do – food prep directly outside your tent and eat inside your tent. But I am a weenie, and it was cold. I got everything set up inside my tent that I could – Knorr pasta side and tuna packets opened, water poured into pot, stove screwed onto fuel, lighter and bandana (my dish towel) on standby. I unzipped my tent door, and, using my boots as weak windscreens, set up and lit my stove. I zipped the door back around everything but my arms, and kept my lower half inside my sleeping bag. I looked like a kid pretending to be Jabba the Hut. I managed to cook my meal without knocking anything over and eat it without spilling anything.

Do as I say, not as I do.

I was sore and tired from the miles, and the sleeping bag felt so warm, and the wind and cold kept trying to get me. I decided to read a little bit and then go to sleep. I checked my watch – 44,490 steps for the day. Also… it was only 6:50 p.m. Yikes. I read my book (my one luxury item), listened to the coyotes howling in the distance, and fell asleep.

I woke up a few times throughout the night cold because I got twisted up in my sleep sack inside my quilt and the opening of the quilt ended up at my side instead of under my back. This was my first time using the silk sleep sack with a quilt; lesson learned. Even with wool base layers, exposure to the air outside of my sleeping quilt was chilling. I adjusted everything – including my beanie and the buff I had pulled up into a balaclava, and slept a deep, tired-body sleep.

Day 2 (Sunday):
I woke up with my watch alarm at 6 a.m., but I was warm, and it was still not light outside, and I turned it off. I woke up again after 8 a.m., and though part of me is always competitive with myself (you could’ve already been four miles down the trail!) I am also getting very good at telling myself to shut it. As daylight grew, it got warmer, the wind died down, and I got moving. I break camp quickly in the mornings; after about 6 weeks on the A.T., I stopped eating hot breakfast, and it’s been strawberry Pop-Tarts as I walk the first mile ever since.

Camp, right off the trail

The terrain was rougher, with one stretch comprised of 14 different rock gardens. In the middle, I almost stepped on a snake. I’m not afraid of snakes and didn’t jump away, but I was surprised – snakes aren’t usually out when it’s this cold and overcast. I took a picture, stepped around it, and moved on. There was very little wildlife otherwise.

Too cold for you, dude. Go home, snake, you’re drunk.



The rock gardens slowed me, as did the more numerous uphills (as always). But the weather was pleasant – hovering around 50 degrees, and by mid-day I was down to my short sleeve layer and making good time. There were more views, although still no great overlooks, and the path was decently blazed. There weren’t many water sources, though, and by mid-day I was out of water. I neared a road crossing and saw a cache of three one-gallon jugs of spring water. Thank you, trail angels. Of course, fewer than two miles after filling up with that water, I was at a decent stream.

One of the easier sections…
A big rock. That is all. 

A few miles after finishing Section 5, I reached a good site around 4:40 p.m. and knew I’d better hurry up and pitch my tent. The weather was much nicer and there was no wind. It looked to be a very nice evening. I snuggled in, planning to read a bit to kill time and then cook supper. Around 6 p.m. the wind started to kick up. I decided to go ahead and cook, and the wind got stronger. I finished supper and retreated into my tent. I nixed the silk sleep sack that I had been tangled in the night before and instead wrapped it around my clothes stuff sack that I use as a pillow. This was my smartest decision of the entire trip.

Which campsites are yours off-season? ALL THE SITES

The wind started to pound on the tent, reminding me of the Cinco de Mayo blizzard that hit me on the A.T. I had cell reception, and texted Thrillbilly to check on the wind gusts (he tracks that sort of stuff for his paragliding) – currently around 24 mph. Even though I had carefully studied the tree branches above before setting up my tent below, this wind was far more powerful than I expected. I heard pops and snaps, and the sound of sticks hitting the ground around me. One struck the side of my tent. I can deal with snakes, bears, coyotes, and cold, but storms frighten me because there’s really nowhere to go. I tried to read my book as a distraction, but my nerves got the better of me and I read the same page multiple times. I realized I had to accept the wind to get any rest. I started to doze off, and then the rain came.

It was an absolute downpour, and the temperature dropped. Rain pelted my tent. Another stick struck the tent wall and (unbeknownst to me at the time) must have knocked the guy line off of the stake. But I had faith – I’ve been through rainstorms before, and have only had to seam seal my tent once along the top. Once I resigned myself to being safer inside my shelter than out, I fell asleep.

Day 3 (Monday):
I awoke to a steady drip of water on my face. The rain had continued through the night and showed no sign of abating. I tried to go back to sleep, but got paranoid about other potential leaks. As I opened my eyes, I noticed the fly on one side was plastered to my tent wall; it was completely saturated and dripping. I sat up, still in my sleeping bag, and saw a puddle of water at my feet.

No bueno


My Big Agnes tent is one of my favored pieces of gear. I even wrote a glowing review of it, because I really, truly think it’s a great tent. This is the first time it’s ever let me down – and I do hold some of the blame. Even though I’ve seam sealed the tent previously, I’ve never re-waterproofed it, which is something Big Agnes recommends with the amount of wear I place on my tent. That still doesn’t explain the great puddle of water at my feet, but it does explain why the fly didn’t hold up to the rainstorm.

Sitting atop my raft/Thermarest foam sleeping pad, I assessed the damage. Rosie was soaked on one side (this is why we store toilet paper in a Ziploc, folks). Most of my stuff sacks had been spared, or were only slightly damp, and my book and my SPOT GPS were dry. The foot of my down quilt was damp, but not soaked. The vestibule had successfully protected my Lowa boots, and they were cold but dry.

There is a very specific way that I pack Rosie when I break camp – everything has a home, and I know exactly how it sits inside the pack. I decided to forgo my normal system in order to keep things as dry as possible. After pulling out my rain gear, I shoved all the stuff sacks into my pack. I braved the cold and packed my quilt into my Sea to Summit dry compression bag and threw it in. The last thing remaining (other than the sopping wet tent itself) was my foam pad. I crouched on a dry spot near the entrance and slowly rolled up the pad. Water dripped from it, and the majority of the tent floor under the pad was soaked. I strapped the pad to Rosie’s base and pulled on my pack rain cover.
Donning my rain jacket and rain pants, I exited the tent into the pouring rain. I looked for a dry spot for Rosie but gave up. I tried to wring out the tent as I packed it; it was a futile gesture because the rain kept coming. I managed to lash the poles to the side of my pack, but the tent was too big and I ended up just resting it on top of my sleeping pad within the rain cover.

When I started this trip, my goal had been to reach the Cheaha trail head by Tuesday morning. Since I covered more miles than planned on Saturday, I was only about 8.5 miles from the trail head; I could be there by 1 p.m. or so. I decided I was cold and soaked and at my goal anyway, so I would get a ride back to my truck when I reached the trail head instead of pushing on another day.

Taken when I entered the Cheaha Wilderness on Sunday, before the flood came

It was slow-going – the terrain would be challenging even in dry weather. There were several rocks, and fallen leaves were plastered slick over them and the trail. The rain was pouring down, and the blazes through this section were rather faded, so they looked like streaks of lichen instead of light blue rectangles. I got turned around three or four times due to the rain, faint blazes, and various small trees and limbs down from the storm that looked like they were blocking off certain areas to redirect the trail. By now, the entire trail was a stream, and I tried to pick my way across the rocks and sides to keep my boots drier.

I’ve had a lovely time… this wasn’t it.

My rain pants held up for about four miles, but they got saturated and soaked my hiking pants beneath, chilling me. It started to remind me of my fun trek up White Mountain when I became near hypothermic. The only difference this time was that there was no shelter ahead, no other hikers around, and my tent (which normally you can just pitch trail-side and crawl into to warm up) was sopping. Super. The temperature was in the mid-40s, the wind was driving stinging rain into my face, and the trail head seemed a hundred miles away. I keep my map for the day in a Ziploc bag in my pocket so I can look at it in the rain, but the directions for the Pinhoti aren’t as refined as others, and it can be hard to determine to which stream crossing, campsite, or signpost they might be referring.

I eventually found my way to the trail head and – hooray! – had cell signal. This was good, because I was soaked to the bone and starting to shake. I sent a text to my shuttle to see if he could come get me a day early, and then called, but didn’t get a response right away (understandably). The only shelter around was the tiny slant of roof on the trail head info sign, and that didn’t stop the wind. I needed to get warm.

So I started thumbing for a hitch. This particular trail head was very nice, with a wide, paved parking lot and located on a large curve. A Baptist church bus came along… and kept going. So did the Senior Living bus, multiple trucks and cars, and a Jeep. A few people waved, at least, acknowledging that they could see my body shaking, teeth chattering, and soaked clothes. I was out there for probably 15 minutes when a nice Lexus pulled up, with a couple in their late 40s. They rolled down the window, and asked where they could take me. I told them any nearby gas station, restaurant, or other building I could go inside would be perfect and I could work on getting a shuttle or other ride back to my truck. The husband jumped out, picked up my pack like it weighed nothing and put it and my trekking poles in the trunk while his wife put towels down in the front passenger seat. He insisted I sit in the front – where his wife had cranked up the heat and their seat warmers.

I was so thankful I thought I might cry. I was still shaking as we drove off, thanking them over like a broken record. They asked where my truck was; I told them it was about a 40-minute drive away but I would be thrilled if they could just get me to a gas station. They refused and said they would take me the entire way back to my truck. They were only out driving around, anyway, and doing a bit of shopping.

We spoke on the drive there, and I began to thaw out. It turned out the husband was recently retired from a career in the Army. It was Veteran’s Day, so I told him I had reason to be doubly grateful. He laughed and said he’d been out in the cold, miserable, windy wet with a heavy pack so many times that he didn’t even need to imagine how I felt – he knew. When we reached my truck, they refused to take any money and wished me well.

I drove to the nearest town, changed out of my wet clothes in my truck in a McDonald’s parking lot (sorry, family in the minivan that pulled up next to me), and pointed Adventuretruck north to Nashville.

POST (Tuesday):
Pajamas. Couch. TV. Ibuprofen. Food. Rinse. Repeat.

Backpacking Tip: Paint your stakes

Neon isn’t just for those shorts you wore in 1992

Just a quick tip to pass along: paint your stakes. I like bright orange, but any bright or neon color will work. For you weight weenies out there, it doesn’t add that much weight at all, and it prevents accidentally leaving a stake in the grass even if you do a dummy sweep as you leave your site. I still have all the stakes I started with, even after 2,400+ miles. I also just repainted them; it takes five minutes and is totally worth it.

That’s it – short and sweet! Happy trails!

Like camping, but on steroids

Backpacking 101 overnight excursion

One of my bigger flaws is admitting I don’t know something. I hate for attention to be drawn to my ignorance, and that flaw has kept me from pursuing hobbies or goals that would otherwise really strengthen me. It’s also annoyed the heck out of Thrillbilly, because he’s usually the one teaching me things.  Continue reading “Like camping, but on steroids”

Trail Tips: Creating your backpacking kitchen

Because everyone deserves a hot meal at the end of the day (Part 3)

“A woman’s place is in the kitchen. A man’s place is in the kitchen. Everyone’s place is in the kitchen – kitchen has food.”

Everyone sets up their kitchen differently, depending on heating method (or lack thereof), fuel needs, cookware, and accessories. Here’s a look into my backpacking kitchen. Continue reading “Trail Tips: Creating your backpacking kitchen”